7/20/11

So I just realized I never wrote anything about life with Josh, my boyfriend as opposed to Josh, my best friend. It's because nothing else really mattered to me, honestly. I was so happy. I didn't need defenses and let-outs and coping mechanisms. He was it.

Backtrack.

OK. Going into too much of it is going to make me cry. But what's new?
"You know, I just realized you never officially me to be your girlfriend."
"Yeah?"
"So I never got a chance to say 'I'd love to.'"
"Hey babe, wanna be my girlfriend?"
"I'd love to."
"You're such a dork baby."
Yeah, I know.

There's our official together. Obviously we were together long before this, but this was when he asked. People always ask that- how long were you together? Well, forever. I've loved him always.

(And I'm a little worried I WILL love him always.)

I remember our first kiss at the end of the street.
I was begging him not to leave, almost crying.

"Why don't you want to go home babe?"

Because I don't want to walk away from you.

Because I don't want you to leave.

Because I'm so in love with you.

"I just don't. Please don't leave me."

And he looked at me for a second.
And he kissed me.
I'm pretty sure that's the only reason I didn't break down at that second.

I know it's stupid. I KNOW. And no, as a matter of fact, I cannot explain why I needed him so much right then. I just did, and he was there for me, which is kind of the best thing I could ask for.
Him giving me a hug, his arms around me trying to stay there forever.
That's all I wanted.
All I still want.

He taught me how to play chess and when I lost we got in a fight over the black king. I wanted it. Mostly because the longer I held it in my hand, the longer he stood with his arms around me and whispered in my ear to give it back.

Yeah right.

In your dreams.

I know we sound dorky.
But for two kids who feel grown up most of the time, it was an escape into what albeit should be the everyday. And I didn't have to be the protector or the caretaker at all times anymore. He took care of me and didn't make me feel guilty about it. And I got him to stop smoking and drinking so much and I think that us together is the happiest either of us have ever been.

I don't want to talk about the last fight.

The one that broke us up.
But I want it written down that
I did everything I could to save it.
Because I loved him.
And I do love him.
And I'm always here for him.
And all I want is us to be together.
I do want him to be happy and I do want what's best for him,
but I'M what's best for him And everybody knows it.
I know it.
He knows it.
I don't know what's going through his head right now,
but in all honesty, I'm praying with every ounce of myself it's me.

I'm praying he thinks about me every day

and misses me so much it hurts

and can't think about me too long or he's going to break down.

I hope he can't sleep sometimes

and I hope it hurts like a bitch.

I hope it hurts so much

he's got no choice but to call me or lose it
and I can make it all go away
and make him smile

and two people in love can be together

because that's how it should be.

                       

                                                     

                                       Sincerely,
                                    Yours. ALWAYS yours.

I started therapy today.
Don't let my cynical and jaded demeanor fool you.
I'm excited!
My doctor is Natalie, but 'Doc' because it establishes who I am as a character.
I had my first meeting with her today and she's lovely. She's funny and cool and relates and is really, really excited to hear about Josh. (He was briefly mentioned a few times.) Next time!
So yeah. I got help.
Let's hope it helps.
All I want is to be like Matt Damon and Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. So Enge is Ben Affleck and Josh is Minnie Driver.
We're a regular fucking Breakfast Club.
(Even though in that situation I'd be Bender, Enge would be Claire and Josh would be Andrew.)
IN ANY CASE
I think this'll be good. The person that gave birth to me was a little put off though. She asked me about what we said and I just told her what Natalie told me.
"Doctor patient confidentiality always applies. It never has to leave the room."
I hope we're friends.
I hope she starts to like me as a person and not just a patient.
And I hope that maybe I'll get a real live adult that I can count on when they say I can.
Speaking of which.I saw Harry Potter 7 Part 2.
Premiere, at midnight, stood in a line that wrapped around the theater and everything.
How did I get there, I here you ask!
Well, Andy took me.Andy was my older "brother"'s friend. They got in a fight because Jamie told Cameron that Andy had sex with Catherine while she was dating Cameron.
I don't think that's true, and after what I've watched Jamie do and change into, I'm drifting to team She's-a-cold-bitch.
But now, and after some of the conversations we had, I realized Andy is my friend. He likes spending time with me. He even said that. 

"I like spending time with you Roxy. I don't really meet people like you."
 We talked the whole drive out
and the whole time we waited
and the whole drive back.
We kind of stopped to watch a movie really quick, basically.
It was the best. He's so smart and sees the world so weirdly, but doesn't take himself too seriously and is hilariously funny.
His girlfriend is less than my favorite, but I'm not sure why.  
Bad energy.She doesn't seem to fit right with my 
steampunk Southern gentleman.
"Oh...Wow. Thank you, Roxy. That makes me feel really good."

Not the only thing I've told him that he's said that about, actually. (Stupid stuff, even. Like, 'Your haircut looks really good, Andy!' and then he put it on the internet later that night,
"I've never been complimented on a new haircut before. I feel really special now:)")


 I think Rae (the girlfriend)gets upset over stuff like that, which I really don't get. But I see it, in those kind of instances. 

We just understand each other. Like, we scanned each other and saw what the other person needed, and realized yeah- we can do that. Andy is a little nonconformist and pretending he doesn't care that people look at him differently. He does. And he sees that I'm laughing and smiling and hears me say the vapid things make me happy and knows I'm lying. 

He loves to talk and I love to listen and  
                   he loves to ask and I love to answer. 
He talks about the people he really wants me to meet and all of the things and places he's going to take me to as soon as I'm eighteen. I'm proud when I make him stop and think and I'm pretty sure he is, too. We have a lot of pauses in our conversations because we both understand, and appreciate, thinking about a response before saying it. Which I think only happens when you care what the other person will get out of it. That's so rare. And it's ridiculous, but HE CARES!

He knows about everything, and he talks for hours about biotechnology and science itself, and then asks about what happened with Josh when I let something about him slip. To care about things you would assume he thinks he's too far above coming from someone you wouldn't think he cared about- it means so much. 
On the drive back from Riverside(the theater)he told me something, and I don't know why, but I thought I was going to start crying.
"Hey, Roxy, if you ever need any one to talk to, or you just need to get out of the house, you can always call me."
Could you imagine what that means
to someone who just wants someone to count on?
It's so much.
He got mad at my "brother" for calling me a whore. Not like, really upset, but he made sure that I knew he didn't think he had "ever seen you wear anything remotely whore-ish."
And I just hope hope hope hope I can think of an excuse for us to do something together.

(So I know what you might be thinking, and no, I don't think so. He has a long-term girlfriend and there's a seven year age difference. I don't even think it's a hopeless crush though.
No. To answer your question, I cannot think about Josh for too long without crying. We had a seven second phone call the other night because he "couldn't talk" and I'm trying so hard to hold on to the sound of his voice because it's still my favorite. So I don't know how Andy is softening the hurt, but he is. I need someone to look out for me, and the last three have abandoned me. So okay, fine.
I'm sort of clinging on to this relationship for dear life.)

"Either count on me fully or count me out entirely so it can be that much sweeter when I pull through for you."
         
Sincerely,
                               Count On You, Or Count You Out?